Well it’s that time of year again. One of the few days you fools leave me alone in the woods to myself, while you go try to get blown up by fireworks 💥.
I myself am not a fan of explosions and fire. Hair catches fire to easily ya know. That is why you never see any evidence of fire from us. No sir..but no matter how many times your houses, lawns, decks and fingers catch fire you keep on keeping on.
Someone has even set the forest on fire, my forest here…on freakin fire…that cannot happen again. Some of my forest friends did not make out as lucky as I.
You don’t know this, but while you’re taking a break from following me, I get a chance to observe you. I’ve even crept up to the edge of your backyards. And let me tell you something. You have not seen stupid if you haven’t observed a backyard Fourth of July party. Allow me share some of my field notes with you..
1. First off, It’s to Hot to have an outdoor party, your guests are roasting and you don’t have a pool. New rule, if you don’t have a pool, you are not allowed to have a summer party. Period.
2. Omg! Tell that awful band to stop croaking already. Dear hairy god, could they be anymore Wedding Singer bad.
3.There actually can be to much red, white and blue. Blinking glasses, hats and even shirts. People, just no.
4. Now let’s talk about cuisine. I’m sorry, how long exactly has that potato salad been out. And are those flys on top of it. Those hot dogs are more shriveled than, well all right I’ll spare you the end of that sentence. But it has a lot to do with cold water. Which no one here has to worry about , because you don’t have a pool!!!!
5. And now your host..blinking flag moron. Your friends husband, whom you can’t deal with but you feel obligated. He has no shirt on. Hairier chest than me with blinking shorts that say “is that a light in my shorts, or does he just automatically light up whenever I see you?” He is the biggest drunk there. You feel violated when he just stands next to you, and you’re planning out how to escape and take his children with you.
6. The other guests. Really, hahaha if those were my friends I’d take off and live in the woods somewhere. Oh wait, I already do. Guess mine suck too.
7. Let’s get ready to rumble..and now the main event. The one not staring Ryan O’Neil and Barbara Streisand. The fireworks 🎇 💥🔥🙌. The ones you are about to light up, next to all the other fireworks. Fool. But I’m prepared to run, always. That’s what I do. You have no clue what you’re doing. You’re letting blinking dick light them, while children are around and you’re only 20 feet from your house! And he’s throwing the used ones in the fire pit! The one 10 feet from the fireworks. Omg, I can’t watch anymore it’s to much.
The house, lawn and hairy chest went up in flames. The end of field 📝 notes.
I’d like to say if I shared this with you, you would learn a lesson and be safer and smarter next year. But this is the second time blinking dick had burned his hair off…
All pics found on google
Copyright of Bigfoot Mountain 2018 all rights reserved.